Can you have a case of the Mondays on a Tuesday?

Downtown is where I used to wander

Old enough to get there but too young to get inside

So I would stand out on the sidewalk

listen to the music playing every Friday night

Oh, I can hear 'em playin'

I can hear the ringing of the beat up old guitar

I've been home for just over a month now, and I'm still settling in. It always amazes me how much of an effect something has on a person. I spent four months in Dublin, but I still haven't recovered from everything that happened there. I'm getting better at it though even if not everyone sees it. I've started to sing more often in the shower. I know, I know, some of you are sitting there thinking, "So?", others, "You sing in the shower?", but most importantly, are the ones sitting there reading this going, "It's about time! WOOOOO!"

Why is my singing in the shower important?, you ask. Because it is something I used to do all the time before I left for Dublin. And when I say all the time, I mean every time I took a shower that lasted longer than 8 minutes. To the point where my roommates didn't even acknowledge it. They just knew I sang when I was in the shower. Then I went to Dublin, and things changed. I stopped singing in the shower. I stopped talking to new people. I stopped being openly friendly. I had changed. I put more effort into being as small and unnoticeable as possible. I'd slink into the kitchen to make meals form time to time, quickly and quietly throw something together, and slink back into my room with my food. Sometimes in the morning, I'd sit defiantly on the edge of a sofa arm with my plate of apples, jar of peanut butter and a spoon, daring them to wrinkle their noses and declare my peanut butter disgusting...something the terrible trio did on several occasions. As invisible as possible, that was my goal in Dublin.

The only times I wasn't like that was when I was out with my friends at the pub, and I've said it before, and I'll say it again, life would have been horrible without them. They saved me. Not just my outlook on the Irish or my time abroad. They saved my sanity, but most importantly, they saved me. My personality. To my friends at the pub, I mattered. Little ole me. They saw me for who I was. All my strange moods, odd habits, my quirks, and twisted sense of humor. They looked past the beaten down girl who just wanted her roommates to at least try and be civil, and they saw me. And they have and do remind me that I'm worth knowing. That I'm worth being friends with, and that I'm a good friend. That there's nothing wrong with who I am, and if the rest of the world can't see that, then they're fools. It'something I had forgotten, for all the friends I've told to never apologize for being who they are, or that they are worth knowing, sometimes, I need to hear or feel it from someone else.

My point today, is that while I only spent four months in Dublin, I changed. In ways I couldn't have imagined before I left. My friends from before Dublin, well, most of them will actually tell you that they had no idea what had happened. That's because when I came home, I was still that girl from Dublin, the one who put so much time and effort into not being, that I didn't know how to do anything else.

I came home, and continued right along with keeping to myself. I didn't go out to see people, I didn't catch up with friends who were hugely important to me while I was gone. The few times I did manage to get to see people, I was skittish as a newborn foul. Too many people, too many things had changed both for me and for them. I felt more like a fish out of water when I came home, then I had in Dublin. And I didn't take it well. I just closed in on myself, helped out around the house, and pretended like it was enough. That I wasn't miserable, that something wasn't missing, even though there was. I had buried who I was so far down, that even now I'm certain there are pieces of that girl who will never see daylight again. And that's such a shame, because she was a nice, happy girl who wasn't afraid of making friends that would have to be left behind even if just for a short while.

Why am I telling you this? Because I've been home from Glasgow for just over a month, and school's just getting underway. If being home this time is anything like when I came home last time, I won't know the true effects of being abroad for at least another month or so. I can still see the effects Dublin had on my personality, and I'm wondering how Glasgow will have changed me. Some of it I already know; the rest will come with time.

I miss sitting in George Square and reading or writing letters or postcards. I've taken to doing that in the student center, and when it warms up, maybe I'll find a bench to curl up on. I miss the subway! It was always so loud but peaceful at the same time. The food is different here. I can't find fresh spinach, something I'd gotten used to when I couldn't find frozen spinach. The milk tastes different. I'm almost out of European chocolate, and that is a true catastrophe. There's no more caramel bars left, and I'm making my last milk chocolate bar stretch as much as possible...but I doubt it'll last more than another week. I miss my roommates and the friends I made. I'm trying to keep up with them online, but sarcasm and teasing do not translate well through text, especially if the person you're talking to doesn't know you well enough to hear your voice through the words. I miss watching the buskers on the streets, and I don't know how to cope with that right now. There's one group, and they know who they are, who really saved me while I was there. They gave me something to look forward to, and absolutely made all the crap I had to put up with worth it. I've tried to thank them, but I know I can't ever explain it properly, so I just keep saying thank you and hope it's enough.

On a side note, J and her sister and I got to Philly last week. I'll post pictures somewhere you can find them later. Just wanted to let you know. Oh, and there's a new page where I'll collect the songs I've been adding to the top.

I've been sitting in a hallway in one of the classroom buildings not doing my reading like I was supposed to. However, there's students wandering past me more, and for fear one of them will trip over me soon, I'm afraid I'll have to pack up and head to class. Fingers crossed this is my last semester. I don't know if I can take another one after this, gods forbid it comes to that. Till next time, be well. Be sparkly. :)

Home...for now

Here in these deep city lights

Girl could get lost tonight

I'm finding every reason to be gone

There's nothing here to hold on to

Could I hold on to you?

My mother came to visit me in Glasgow for my last week there, and we flew home together. I had saved most of the touristy stuff outside of the city for when she got there, figuring that I wasn't going to want to pay to do it twice, and she wasn't going to want to do it alone. We went to Loch Ness, Loch Lomond, Stirling Castle, Edinburgh and a few other places. You can look at pictures here.  She was driving me crazy by the end of the first day, and i shudder to think what we were like by the time we got to Newark on Sunday, but we still had a bit of fun. It was such a shock to go from minimal face to face human interaction to not having five minutes to myself to think, but we both got a wee bit better at finding a few moments of space. (To anyone who had I spent time with during my last two days, I'd lost all patience at that point, and if I was a bit rabid I'm sorry. Ma brings out the worst in me sometimes. (Don't make that face, you know you do, and it goes both ways))

I had a few minutes on Saturday to say goodbye to Glasgow, a city that had just started to feel like home before heading back to the hotel to pack all my stuff up for the trip home. When I left Dublin, the city kept my arm warmers sometime in the last week. I found new ones in Edinburgh this time, and yarn in Glasgow to make my own. My hair comb is floating around somewhere though, and I have no idea when or where it disappeared. We got almost everything home. Most of the kitchen stuff had to be left behind, but I saw that coming before I even left the states.

My mother and I flew home from Glasgow on Sunday. I've been home for just about a week now, and it's interesting to see the changes. My first day here, I walked into my room, and turned on the switch outside the door intending to turn on the light in my room. It was a bit of a surprise when rather than turn on the light in my room, it turned on a lamp in the living room. The switch's intended use had not changed, rather I had become accustomed to switches not necessarily being inside the room. I had a brief moment of "Crap, I've been gone too long" , before flipping the switch that's turned on the light in my room...the same switch it had been for the last 22 years. The rest of the day pretty much went like that.

When I first got home, my room was a complete muddle. Yes ma, I did notice that you put the door tag from the hotel on my door, don't think you were sneaky enough to pull it off without my noticing. I've spent a few days this week working on it, but it's a huge task, and I'm going to have to do it in pieces, but I can get to my bed, and after Tuesday my clothes as well. Oh, and the laundry I have to do. Gods, it's like the never ending pile of laundry. Be the death of me, it will, I swear. The two weeks before I left for Glasgow back at the end of August were such a rollercoaster ride, that in the scramble to put things away for the hurricane and then trying to pack after pulling some things out again resulted in complete madness for alot of the drawers in my room. I can't find half of my stuff. If anyone finds the remote for my ZLive please, please, please let me know. I'm lost without it. @_@

There's a bit more of reverse culture shock this time, but I'm rolling with it. The milk tastes funny here now, and it's less watery then in Europe, something I complained about the whole time I was there, especially when it came to baking. It's bright outside, like really really bright, and I find myself loving the sunlight, something which I'm sure once it starts to warm up I'll wish I was back in rainy Scottish weather. I miss public transport like I miss country music when I'm abroad. I actually thought about finding a bike for when it gets warmer, but I'm hoping to get the ball rolling on getting my license before then. I'm not adjusting to the time change well. Going to bed early and waking up before the sun is up. I realized I got used to the general friendliness among the people in Glasgow, and while it was always startling to me while I was there, I miss it now that I'm home and find people to be a bit rude. It's odd, because I always knew that but I was never bothered by it before.

There's good things about being home too. Midnight doesn't seem to hate me as much as he did when I got home from Dublin, Mags is a bit more needy, and Toby's just happy to be in the same room with me. I've got little scratches all over my hands from him. Baking doesn't seem like such a monumental task anymore (there's cheesecake in the oven cooling down). It's nice to be back in my own room and sleep in my own bed. I've gotten to see some of my friends here, and I have a bunch more people to see and catch up with, some of whom it's been way too long since I've seen them. That baseline stress level that exists while living in another country has gone away, and I'm sleeping a bit better again. I'm better at finding things in stores and such here, and the familiarity overrides the sense that something is missing. We've moved on from dial-up to normal-ish speed internet, and I'm looking forward to being able to better keep in touch with friends, especially through skype. I miss hearing people's voices and seeing their faces when we talk.

So for now, I have just the one semester left at Rutgers, and then, fingers crossed, I'll graduate in May. I don't really have a plan after that, but I have time to figure things out. I have a few weeks before the semester starts, and I'm hoping to get my room under control and get some things done. I've got a few homemade face/hair mask/lipbalm/solid body bar recipes knocking around in my head that I've been dying to try out, and I'm finding just how much I love working with those kinds of things. I want to clean out part of the back of the house, and maybe get to use the rooms for something other than storage, but that's something to focus on later. Mom bought a fire pit for the yard, and it's reminded me that I want to reshape the raised bed gardens. I keep thinking about plants for next spring, and the mint needs to be buried this week before the frost comes if I want it to last till next year.

These past four months in Glasgow have taught me a lot of things. Some good, some bad, and some I have yet to figure out. Recently I realized as much as I need to be just another person in a city sometimes, it doesn't make me happy. I need some sort of community, and I'd just started to build one in Glasgow when it was time for me to leave. I always liked being able to hide in the crowds of big cities, but I've found it's only fun when you have something to come home to, a place where you're not just another face in a sea of hundreds. They aren't really the place for me anymore, especially not for long periods of time.

Last summer Da and I started talking about places other than Jersey. I've got one particular place out in one of the western states in mind, and I think one day I'll probably end up out there. It's a small little place in Wyoming, that's nothing like Jersey. I have time to figure it out. This time last year I wanted to travel to a handful of the largest cities in the country and spend time living there. Not anymore. I think I just might be a small town kind of girl. And I'm okay with that. I need people who care in my life, in a place where I can feel comfortable and safe, where people know me and I know them. I have some of that here in Jersey, but I'm finding that Jersey might be a bit...not necessarily hostile, but not as friendly and welcoming as I'd prefer. Perhaps that'll change with time.

So as a last comment, if you've found your way here from facebook, just a warning, that while I'll continue to write posts after today, I'm not going to post on facebook that there's a new post. It'll be your choice to check back if you're interested in reading more. That's all for now. Bed time for the jet lagged girl. Be well.

Oh, and to the redhead, if you're reading this (you know who you are), you owe me a conversation. If you ever change your mind, you know how to find me.

Fig Newtons of My Imagination

Turn the quiet up, turn the noise down

Let this ol' world just spin around

I wanna feel it swing, wanna feel it sway

And put some feel good in my soul

I spent today sitting in my room listening to gale force winds and lashing rain as my window rattled from time to time. The weather ruined my plans for today, but it's not the first time, and it won't be the last time. It doesn't really bother me much though. I've always loved a good storm. If you ask any of the people I worked with before I left, they'll tell you how much I hate umbrellas. I just don't understand them. Well, okay, I understand them, but I don't see the point of them. Sure, they keep you somewhat dry, and in the summer, they can be my best friend at the beach, but they limit visibility, and they limit the use of my hands. I don't like them. It's okay if that doesn't make sense.

So, instead of wandering through the West End looking for a charm for my bracelet, and finding the yarn store by the gardens like I wanted, I stayed in bed until the early afternoon, watched a bunch of episodes of one of my favorite TV shows, Warehouse 13 (so I'm a bit of a geek, I'm not completely ashamed of it), and just generally relaxed in my pjs in my flat. I realized today that while I'm not entirely sick of the rain here, I miss a good thunderstorm. It feels a bit like so much rain should be part of a thunderstorm. I can't actually remember the last time I heard thunder or saw lightening.

My mother is more freaked out about the weather here than I am. She's supposed to fly in early Saturday morning, and she's worried about a delayed or cancelled flight, but it's really not all that bad, I don't think. It no longer sounds like the wind has a mind of it's own and is howling mad. Anyways, mom gets here early on Saturday, and whatever happens after that is any one's guess, but while I have time and almost all of my sanity, I thought I'd update y'all.

Here's what I've learned while in Scotland:

• As previously mentioned, the question is never 'Will it rain today?', but rather, 'Where will I be when it starts to rain today?'
• Do not use pumpkin pie spice in place of just nutmeg, cinnamon, and ginger if you're making a homemade face mask, unless you're going for the just-had-a-chemical-peel, red-as-a-lobster look. If you are, well, then more power to ya. If not...sour cream, honey, and oatmeal will save your face from looking like you tried burning your skin off.
• The third time is not always the charm. Sometimes you have to do something four, five or six times before you get it right.
• Superglue really can save your favorite shoes if you know what you're doing....but that doesn't mean they'll be waterproof again.
• The pink raincoat that I love? It makes me noticeable...memorable...however you want to look at it, it makes it harder to blend into a crowd. 
• I don't like sweet sherry. Stuff gives me nightmares. 
• I like buying art by local artists, and talking with them a bit.
• Bubble tea and/or live music can make even the worst day so much better. 
• It might be childish, but I miss my dream-catcher and John and Jack. I don't know if it's a lack of their presence, or simply an uncomfortable bed, but I'm not sleeping well here.
• I like pear cider! A lot. :P
• Short hair isn't so bad all the time. It just takes a bit of adjustment.
• J, you'll be happy to hear this: apparently with enough booze, I'll sing softly and dance along to a familiar song (something that's rarer here than at home) if I'm feelin' right. :/
• Sometimes an nontraditional Thanksgiving with friends can mean more than a traditional Thanksgiving with family. Mostly because friends don't take it for granted.
• I can move past my anger issues with doing laundry (don't ask).

And just because, here's a few things I already knew but relearned or was reminded of while here:

• I like to knit. It might seem strange, but I'd forgotten how much I actually enjoy it. I'm almost done with the scarf that I started here. I might even have enough left to make a hat afterwords :)
• I don't mind taking pictures from time to time, but I hate looking like a tourist...mostly because it draws attention to me. That said, there's two pictures of the snow from Monday (they're at the end).
• Wandering around with nowhere in particular to be can be soothing on the nerves. It can also do wonders for my pinched nerve, but standing still for too long makes my back ache.
• I spend a lot of time and effort blending into the background or not drawing attention to myself...and it's really really really unnerving when someone notices.
• I still don't do well around a bunch of people I don't know all that well. Hell, sometimes I'm not all that great around people I do know...I think it has to do with the number of people, but I"m not really sure....
• Buskers make me happy. 
• I'd forgotten I like to draw occasionally. No, I'm not good at it, and it's more abstract in a 'wait...huh?' kind of way, but I enjoy it sometimes.
• It's old news, but I love my Kindle. :)
• I can't move past my anger issues at having no counter space in the kitchen and/or no clean bowls.
• And the one I'm reminded of on an almost weekly basis: I love it when a non-plan comes together. :D

Well, it's now 2am, and I do have plans tomorrow to go look for that charm for my bracelet that keeps eluding me. I think I really might just have to pick something out at home that reminds me of here. Night. Be well.

Untitled

I'm a runner that's what I do 

don't be surprised when I run from you 

When you turn around I'll be gone.

I officially have less than two weeks left here in Glasgow. My time here as alternately flown by and dragged on. In some ways there are things I'm going to miss about being here, and there are other things that just make me want to go home faster. Like this week I had the worst paper I've ever had to write due (not really, but it sure felt like it) and all I wanted to due was curl up with my little weeble wobble, who is apparently not weeble wobbling as much lately.


I warned you that I might disappear for a while, but I am still sorry that it happened. Most of the past month has been spent writing stupid essays. Hmpf. At least I only have one more semester at Rutgers before I'm done for real. The idea of graduation scares the shit out of me but at the same time I can't wait to be done with school. No more footnotes or citations. Exams start this week, and while I only have two, I'm still starting to get a bit nervous about them. I've been feeling kinda squirrely for a while though, and it's not helping much. 


I was able to go back to Dun Laoghaire for Thanksgiving. It was wonderful seeing people again. We had a nice quiet evening with good food. It always amazes me how much it soothes my soul to see them and listen to them and talk with them. I miss them already, hell I missed them when they went home.

I don't really know what to say today. Yesterday, I had it all worked out in my head. I was going to tell you about how great it felt to spend time with Cli, and not leave her house for the first time since I left home because we were too busy talking about everything and nothing and catching up. I was gonna talk about classes ending, and Mom coming here next weekend, and how I feel a bit like things are spiraling out of control. But instead, I think I'm just going to say, Hi, I'm still alive, and in one piece. I miss you guys, whoever you are, if you're reading this. I haven't heard much news about what's going on at home, and I can't wait to catch up and be home. 

I'm doing okay. Lets be honest for a minute shall we? When I spent last fall in Dublin, there were ups and downs, and the thing they never tell you when you sign up for study abroad? The highs are really really high, but the lows can be pretty low. Someone I was making friends with kept asking questions and picking at things I didn't want to talk about about a month ago. It put me in such a bad mood. All I wanted to do was go home where I didn't have to explain the inconsistencies with my behavior or my tendency to run away from things because the people at home know why and they know when to stop pushing. But this person didn't and I couldn't explain why he needed to stop without explaining things. It put me in such a mood. At home it would have taken me a few hours to shake it off, but here? Two weeks. It took me two weeks to shake it properly. 

They don't tell you that things that were easy to do at home will suddenly become so much more complicated. They don't tell you that you'll suddenly have to be aware of and sometimes defend your behavior to people you don't really know. They don't tell you that if you're not careful, you'll wallow in things you wouldn't normally wallow in, and homesickness is a kind of depression that you have to work at constantly to not be swamped by it.  You have to learn not to let songs like this one or this one grab hold of you and take you back to that point of wallowing. The trick is remembering that things can get better. I'm working on that.  I still want to go home, even knowing once I do I'll just want to come back, but things are getting better. Just in time for me to turn tail and disappear quietly.

Oh well. Such is life. That's all for now. Till next time, be well. 

Another moment of zen

in the time before chaos

there's that moment of peace

that everyone craves

and everyone seeks

Thursday I have a presentation to give, and from there the next month is constant race to finish papers and essays and such until the first week of December, at which point I'll panic about final exams. I'm telling you now, just in case. You know why.

Things are getting comfortable here. I don't feel like I'm almost in a free-fall quite as much. Figures that it would happen when there's only six weeks or so here. I'm okay with that though. Today feels a bit like a reflective kind of day, but I'll try to keep it to a minimum. 

I spent last week or the week before that (I'm not quite sure) writing out cards to send to people. I'd forgotten how much fun it can actually be to write a letter to someone. It's not the same as writing them an email. You expect to instantaneous response, if you expect one at all. It was nice to actually feel the pen glide across the paper, to slide the card in the envelope, and add it to the growing pile. And when you're done,  each one representing someone that you know cares about you and you them, to feel the pile of cards to people slip though your fingers one at a time as you put honest to god real stamps on them. I hope I do more letter writing when I get home. It can be a bit soothing. 

Pictures are posted from the tour bus, in a previous post, but I wanted to remind y'all that the album will be updated through out my time here. I've since added some pictures taken from a classroom window one day. I also have pictures of the Kelvingrove Museum that I have to post yet. I tried to put them up the other night, but it just wasn't working. They'll be up soon though. I might wait till after I get to the GOMA, because I have a feeling I'm going to love it, I just have to make myself go in...

It's starting to get a bit chilly here, but I kind of really like it. It feels and smells like winter. I'm sure in a few weeks I'll just want to be warm again, but for now, I'm truly enjoying the bite of cold in the air. Smiling about it, and feeling a bit nostalgic. There didn't really seem to be a fall here, or not in a sense of what a fall means to a Jersey Girl. The weather since I've been here has been fall weather, but it started to early for it to feel like fall weather to me. For almost two months, there's been fall temperatures, and the occasional bone chilling wind, but the leaves didn't turn, there wasn't this sense of time passing. 

Then this morning I wandered outside, and suddenly my breath was coming out in little puffs of steam, and there was a haze on the ground. This weather, this weather, it makes me feel like a little kid again. All day when I was outside, I had this sense of wonder. That anything could happen today. It was almost like that moment of bliss when it snows. I could wander around the city here in a bubble of peace and contentment in this kind of weather. I did for a while too. Today was the kind of day where silence didn't matter. The simple act of being was more than enough. These are the kinds of days that remind me why I'm here, to simply be. They remind me to smile at the little things, and not worry about tomorrow's problems that haven't happened yet, because they will happen soon enough. For just a little while, the problems of tomorrow and the pains of yesterdays don't matter, all that matters is the here and now and the fact that I can feel the cold against my cheek and the breeze in my hair. For now, for a few stolen moments, I'm just a girl, walking down the street in a pink rain coat, singing along to country songs, and smiling the whole time. 

Rumor has it that...

It snowed in Jersey yesterday. No, really, snowed. In October...come on, sing it with me, "I'm dreaming of a white...Halloween?!" There's rumors that some have lost power. Lucky me, I'm here in Glasgow, where it just rains every other day or so. It appears I disappeared for a few weeks again, doesn't it...sorry? Let's be honest with each other though shall we, we all saw it coming. ;)

Things are better here. I'm not as homesick as I was last time. The open wound of missing friends has healed a bit to a dull ache I've learned to deal with. Classes have been class, and I've handed in papers only to be reminded that there's a new set of them coming my way. Yay! Shoot me now.

Let's talk about better things, shall we? This past week was reading week for me for most of my classes. That means no class, except on Thursday for me. It was kind of nice actually to be able to relax a bit and take a moment to breath before things get crazy again. Y'all will be happy to hear I did the tourist thing a bit this week, and there's pictures! No more threats about what you're going to do if I don't post pictures, okay? I have a bunch for you here. :)

Things have been quiet since the week before last, when everything was just madness of trying to get papers done and what not. The roomies and I have been getting along really well for the most part, and I'm loving the nights we get together and drink ourselves silly...I mean have a nice quiet civil drink...with lots of girlish giggles... So much better than last year's bunch. Our flat actually feels a bit like a home now.

Life is mostly class and home, but I have managed to do some shopping. Mostly cookbooks, y'all know how much I love to cook. Someone asked me if I was homesick recently. Yes, I am in some ways. I miss my friends, both from the states, and from Ireland, and I miss my family. Want to know what I really miss though?  Three things mainly: My cats, I miss the smelly one, the demanding one, and my little weeble-wobble. A fully stocked kitchen where I know where everything is, and have space to make things (I have the oddest urge to make real bagels this week). And last but not least, a bathtub, I'm sick of the tiny shower stall. I want a real sized bathtub. I want a nice hot bath with music playing softly in the background that I can sing along to while I fight and fail to stay awake.  Yup yup, that's my list. OH, and Jersey pizza...what I wouldn't have given for one of those two nights ago.

That's not to say that there aren't things here that I'd miss when I go home, because there most definitely are. I've gotten to love sitting in George Square just hanging out on one of the benches and reading. I actually like sitting outside and reading here, even if it is class reading. I've come to enjoy riding the subway here (third oldest in the world). There's this tiny little bubble tea shop in Savvoy Shopping Centre that helps me feel less homesick. I like to wander into the cookbook section at Waterstone's on Sauchiehall Street. I love to stand on Buchanan Street and listen to Clanadonia. It still amuses me that I can buy liquor in the supermarket. Turns out I like cider, who woulda known? I like wandering into the shops and finding little things that remind me of people. I'd miss my roommates, and some of the friends I'm making here.

There's a bunch of little things that when I get home I'll miss seeing, or doing that I won't even realize until I get home. For now, I'm just enjoying what I can and soaking up as much as possible while I'm here. I'm walking around a bunch, which is great for my back as long as I don't walk too slow or stay in one place for too long. I'm listening to Thunder 106 while I'm in my flat and my mp3 player when I'm not. I've learned that the question is not, "Is it going to rain today?", but rather "Where will I be when it rains?". That my dears, is harder to predict than if. It is going to rain, that's a given, when and where will I be when it does so is much more important.

Tomorrow is Halloween, I have thoughts about wandering down to the Necropolis after class tomorrow, but it will depend on how muddy/rainy it is when I get back. Thanksgiving is coming up, and I'm trying to see if I can go back to Dun Laoghaire for it, but we'll see. If not, then I'll spend it here with friends if I can, and call home on the day of. I'm waiting to see how things go, and I'll roll with it either way. Huh, just realized I register for the fall in a week...greeaaaaat....

Is there anybody out there? How are things at home? Don't tell me it's snowing because I already know that. OH, and how does everybody else feel about RU selling the name of the stadium? Is anybody else as appalled as me?! Till next time. Be well.

This would have been easier if I was drunk beforehand...

Oh dear, it's been a while...You're going to realize one of these days, that while I haven't been around for a while, I absolutely have not forgotten about you. I swear, I write to you in my head all the time. I know that doesn't help you much, but I haven't forgotten, I just haven't written it all down. It's been two weeks since I filled you guys in. Let's play catch up. :)

This week started the third week of the semester. Things are starting to smooth out a bit more now that we're fully in the swing of things. Class was...class. Lectures, seminars, readings, and warnings about papers. You know, the usual. Nothing really interesting on that part. That was most of the past two weeks. Most, but not all.

I also spent this past weekend in Dublin. It was...wonderful. I got to catch up with friends that I hadn't seen since before Christmas. Almost everybody came out for at least a little while, something I was very happy about. It did, however, make somethings very obvious to me. Things change. The group dynamic was different from what I remember. Or maybe I chose to forget somethings and made it this idyllic harmony in my mind. I'm not sure which, but that doesn't mean that the way it is now is bad, just different. Which actually is probably the most unsettling thing about being back with friends. Oh don't look at me like that. Having that weekend was great, and I'd do it over in a heartbeat, but in some ways it kinda felt like rubbing salt in an open wound. I know I had to go home at the end of my time in Dublin, just as I'll go home at the end of this term. The closer I got to leaving, the quieter I got. For the three who spent my last day in Ireland with me, I wasn't up set, nothing was wrong, I was simply enjoying being in your presence, soaking up every second to take back with me.

But there was a moment in the beginning when I felt like I had been slapped in the face with the fact that while I call them friends, and hope they will always be my friends and I theirs, I'm not around. There's nothing worse than a friend who isn't there when something happens; who doesn't know what's going on in people's lives. Who acts like nothing matters, or like they don't care. I sat there and talked and smiled and realized what a horrible friend I've been to so many people.

I always cherished the friendships that could endure long breaks and still pick up like there was never any time apart. I always thought they were the best because they could survive anything, but I'm beginning to see it for the lie it is. Those friendships aren't okay, they're cruel. They're hard to maintain, but not because they're not worth it, rather a person simply has to put more effort into it. They're easier to fall apart, and you might not even realize it happened. When it comes to life, though, you only fill them in after things have happened. They're never there to hold your hand while it's happening. Or rather, if they're holding your hand through it, which let's be honest isn't all that often, they don't know they're holding your hand. So when that moment comes to lean on them, you fall over, because they didn't know they had to be there to hold you up or keep you together.

Only the biggest news is shared, and usually only after the fact. You can't lean on each other because you're not there for each other. Listen to me talking like I have it all figured out. I don't. I value my friends and I care deeply about them all. But for many of them, I'm not around for things. There are people I haven't talked to in years. There are people I have superficial conversations with only, and others that I only call or hear from when one of us is drunk or needs something. Maybe that's still friendship though. Maybe it just has different shapes and sizes. Maybe friendship has to be messy to work. Maybe it gets easier.

Somebody this weekend asked why I hadn't mentioned all the wonderful friends I made when I was in Dublin in my other blog. Boy was that an eye opener. I told him it was because then I would have had to mention the horrible roommates I had as well. That's the truth...not all of it, but still very true. The whole of it was I didn't know how to talk about them without saying that they kept me sane. I had horrible roommates, but I had some of the most amazing friends a person could ask for. And I didn't tell people because I didn't want anything to taint that friendship. They kept me sane. When things got really really really bad, I could find comfort in the fact that there were only X amount of days till the next time I saw them at the pub or the movies or whatever.

How do you tell the amazingly supportive people who got you somewhere about the people who carried you through some bad times when they couldn't? How do you tell your new found friends that they mean the world to you without making it seem like your 'older' friends weren't enough, even though that's not true? And most importantly, how do you do it without losing it because you know you have to leave? That these people who mean the world to you aren't going to be there forever. That's not to say they're just going to walk out of your life, although some will, and some already have for me, but you're not going to get to see them anywhere as often as you are now. That the time you have with them is bittersweet because they're there, in person, and you're looking at them knowing once you go home, it's over, they're going to slip quietly through your fingers and out of your life, and you can't stop them. How do you tell them that? How do you deal with that? How do you deal with the ache of knowing something's missing? Or even worse, there's no way to fix it?

I don't know about you, but I hold tight to the memories and try desperately to stay in touch but sometimes its so damn hard. Sometimes its not enough. Sometimes it heals. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes you drown yourself in other people. Sometimes there's nothing left to do but pour yourself another shot of whiskey and wallow in the ache and know that while it might just be easier to let them all slip away you have to have faith in the worth of fighting for them. And hope like hell its enough.

In the words on Janet Evanovich's character Ranger in To The Nines, "there's all kinds of love" and they need not all come with a ring. To my friends, if you're reading this and I haven't told you recently, I love you, I cherish you, and I miss you when you're not around.

I had other things to say, my dears, and this has certainly taken a very depressing turn, but I think it needed to be said. So for now, I'm going to call home and talk to my family. And then I'm going to get the bottle of Jameson and have a drink or two before bed. We'll play catch up later. Stay safe.

P.S. I apologize for any non-sensicalness of the above. And yes, I know that's not a real word. Shhhh.